7 Things I Hate About Online Dating

1.The Guy Who Wants to Meet Up Within Minutes of Messaging You


I could be a psychotic, murderous, man-eating lunatic that’s on the prowl for delicious male parts for dinner, but you want to meet up with me without getting to know me first? A clear sign of, “Yeah you might be f***ing crazy, but I’m willing to take the risk for some wet p**sy.”

I could never entertain a guy that does not vet the vagina.

2. His Profile Picture is Just a Photo of His Abs


You try and scroll up your phone screen to see his face, but you hit a dead end — all you can see is a grainy photo of six-pack… *squints* …or is that a four-pack? Whatever. This fool thinks he can lure you in with a photo of his oh-so-fascinating stomach, which was probably taken with a refurbished Blackberry Curve. Um…yeaaaaah. Great for someone who’s looking to jump in the sack with a faceless sleazeball. *Swipe left* Not so great for someone who’s looking for a little more substantial than washboard abs.

  1. The Guy Who Asks for Your Phone Number Right Off the Bat

I’ve learned my lesson from this one. I began to grow tired of having to ignore text after text when I realize that the guy is a total tool. Trust me when I say it’s better to spot a man’s idiocy when you’re on the site because you can block him and that will be the end of it.

  1. The Guy Who Writes Absolutely Nothing on His Profile

Okay, I know I’m totally generalizing, but in my head, his train of thought was, “Man I actually have to write some sh** to get some p***y? F*** that. I’ve never paid for p***y a day in my life and I — for damn sure — ain’t payin’ no time for it.”

Pardon me for not wanting a guy that’s too lazy to type even a few words to get the “nature box.”

  1. The Fool Whose Profile Picture is of Him — And like 4 Other People

Okay. This one really grinds my gears. Especially in this “swipe right” era, we want to automatically see what’s being presented to us, make a quick decision, and move on to the next one. But Mr. Let-Me-Post-A-Photo-Of-Myself-And-4-Others is f***ing up the system. I didn’t sign up to play “Where’s Waldo?” Just put a photo of yourself — you and only you  — so we know who we’re dealing with. Duh. Anyone who is that stupid can certainly get a swipe left from me.

6. The Guy Who Wants to Us to Believe He Gets Girls


Ever stumbled upon a picture where this guy has dozens of photos with his arm around girls? Red flag! Clearly this guy has such a low perception of himself, he needs to overcompensate by uploading photos of himself with a slew of women to prove that he is, indeed, the “big man on campus.”

But you can’t fool me! I know you just walk up to groups of women at the club that you don’t even know and ask for a photo.

7. The Guy Who Boldly States He Wants to F*** You In His OP

No lie — I’ve had a conversation on OkCupid that went exactly like this:

Weirdo: I want to put it in your ass.

Me: Put what in my ass?

Weirdo: My big fat dick.

Me: I believe that would be quite painful.

Weirdo: No it won’t. You’ll love it.

Me: How do you know? Have you tried anal before?

Weirdo: No. But I know it feels good.

Me: You must have had it up your  ass before.

Weirdo: How do you figure?

Me: You are so well-informed about how “good” anal feels.

Weirdo: *Never responds*

Me: Heh heh heh. *DevilEmoji*

Leave a comment down below if you have any of your own online dating dislikes.


3 thoughts on “7 Things I Hate About Online Dating

  1. Yvette E. says:

    You hit all the points ! But what about the guys that take you out,show you the bill,and want to come after the date to lay across the bed and watch the game?(Did I say this was the 1st and last date? Did I say this ass showed me how much he paid when the bill came? I guess he wanted to show me how much Ass he was entitled to. Well he got NONE. As a matter of fact I haven’t heard from him since! But we were “exclusive”…


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