Why Blackberry Has Lost Its Doggone Mind

Blackberry, the worst fruity little device in the world, has been on my sh*tllist since 2009 when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life — purchase the Blackberry Storm:

My drawing of the Blackberry Bold

My drawing of the Blackberry Storm

It was touted as the ultimate “business” phone — best for career oriented, on-the-go workaholics which was REALLY code for “This piece of sh** has the entertainment value of a half-dead remote.”

But being the anti-Apple rebel that I was — and still am –I really, really was rooting for Blackberry at a time when the iPhone was becoming increasingly ubiquitous.

But Blackberry wouldn’t allow me to advocate for its sh*tty device because…

a) The device was buggy as sh**

b) The touchscreen responsiveness was pure trash

c) The array of apps were a joke

d) The longevity of this phone was SO bad, I got free replacements for the phone at least three times in one year

d) the only saving grace for Blackberry was BBM — Blackberry Messenger. And that’s really tragic if you think about it.

Fast forward to 2015 and I get this absurd e-mail from Blackberry:


Cue the crying-laughing emoji! Be first in line…BE FIRST IN LINE?! Yes Blackberry. Let me pitch my tent in front of a Blackberry brick & mortar store for hours and hours to purchase an absurdly high priced device with regressive features from a flop, has-been company. Wait while I put on my shoes…

Are you f***ing kidding me? Blackberry is like that cocky guy you know that really has no winning qualities to be so damn smug and overconfident.

And why does Blackberry still have my e-mail anyway?

I scrolled down to the super tiny hard-to-see link that says “unsubscribe from further emails” and I am redirected to this page:


So here’s where it gets comical.

“If you opt-out now, you will miss out on: Information regarding new product launches, special offers, events and more.”


*Clicks unsubscribe*

Good riddance Blackberry!

So Blackberry is apparently launching the Blackberry Priv:

PriVGo ‘head. Read the selling points. Be prepared to be blown away….(Sarcasm)

The Priv, priced at a ridiculous $750 (unlocked) according to Crackberry, is trying to lure us to shell out our hard-earned cash for a slide-out keyboard and curved screen…oh how innovative. *Rolls eyes.* With the iPhone 6s at a similar price point…I mean really…does Blackberry SERIOUSLY think they have a chance to outdo the competition?

I get it. Blackberry is trying to establish themselves as a high-end smartphone maker with the exorbitant price tag, but wouldn’t it be smarter to sell your phone at mid-market levels?  That way, more people can afford to risk purchasing the Priv and, if it’s as good as they say it is, word of mouth will spread.

Only when Blackberry grows in demand and popularity can they sell their smartphones at such a steep price… you’re Blackberry for f***sakes! You’ve got a lot of a**-kissing to do, especially after releasing that whole generation of garbage in the late 2000’s. Regain public trust first before you start selling the Priv at a price point that makes you seem like a snobby spoiled brat that can never acknowledge their past faux pas.

Get it together first, Blackberry…and then we’ll see about buying your $750 Priv. *Rolls eyes*


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