I am not celibate.
But my best friend is.
Last night, she was in tears after finding out that a guy (let’s call him Terry) she’s formed an amazing connection with is NOT on-board with her celibacy.
“I need to know if we’re sexually compatible before even thinking about tying the knot,” Terry said. “I am Christian. I don’t believe in divorce, so when I do finally decide to settle down — I want to make SURE she’s everything I could ever ask for and more, and that includes sexual satisfaction.”
I completely, wholeheartedly agree with him.
Sex IS an important component in a relationship for me. That, alone, has caused issues in my relationships in the past, which I will get into later…
In response to Terry, my best friend said, “I believe two people can grow to learn each other’s bodies. Chances are it won’t be great at first, but if both people are willing to listen to each other — without allowing ego to take over — the sex can improve,” she said. “But funny how you say you’re a Christian, but the Bible advocates against pre-marital sex. Why is it that you simply pick and choose what you want to follow instead of following the Bible in its entirety?”
I disagree with my best friend’s former statement — the argument that two people can “learn” to be sexually compatible isn’t something I can co-sign. This COULD happen, but to say that two people WILL enjoy sex in the future is extremely presumptuous. I’ve had an ex who was terrible in bed. No matter how many times I’ve tried to guide him or explain to him how I liked to pleasured, he just couldn’t get it. A year goes by and I’m still sexually unsatisfied and extremely frustrated. On top of that, sexually, I prefer to be dominated. I like my hair pulled, I like to have my butt spanked (TMI? sorry!), etc. But this ex of mine was much too coy to do any of that. Again, he TRIED to play the dominant role, but the fact that I could sense how uncomfortable and out-of-character he felt, it didn’t work.
Sexual compatibility is something that can’t be forced. It has to be organic. Like “chemistry” — whether it’s between two on-air personalities or two friends — either it’s there or it isn’t.
But I do agree with my friend’s latter statement — why is it that some Christian men (and women), who claim to follow the Word of God, are so adamant about having sex before marriage?
In reply, Terry said, “You do make a good point. We do pick and choose what we want to follow, but don’t we all? There are even passages in the Bible where people could make the case for polygamy, or stoning ladies who sleep around, or seeing women as second-class citizens, so should we do that as well? As individuals, we do need to pick and choose what seems most logical to us.”
Fair enough, Terry.
He continued to add that he doesn’t understand why women who have already lost their virginity even bother becoming celibate. “You already gave away what I was supposed to have.”
“The reason you’re having trouble understanding is because you’re under the very false impression that women become celibate FOR men or IN SPITE of men. It has nothing to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with my relationship with God. The truth of the matter is sex clouds judgement. Without sex being in the picture, I can focus on more important qualities that I’m looking for — are we intellectually compatible? Do we share the same political views? How does he manage his finances? How does he want to raise his kids? What are his career goals?” my best friend said. “It’s like a cake — there are more foundational things needed in the relationship that I want to focus on first. The sex is the icing. “
Continuing, my best friend said: “I am tired of having sex with men — and watching the relationship fall apart in a year or two. When I have sex, it’s like I’ve given a piece of myself to that person that I can never give back. So from now on, I want to make sure I find someone I know is the one, rather than just open my legs for a ‘crush.'” In conclusion, my best friend added: “Lastly, I don’t see logic in saying, ‘Well, you’ve already had sex in the past, you might as well keep doing it.’ If a father isn’t there for the first 10 years of his daughter’s life, should he keep being a deadbeat, or turn his life around and do the right thing? In the same way, I did wrong in sleeping with a man before marriage and I want to get back on the right path. It has nothing to do with being a virgin again; it has everything to do with following a spiritual journey that I don’t want to get lost in.”
That was a heavy conversation.
And it made me wonder on my own stance on celibacy. And to be honest with you, I’m on the fence about it. One side understands where my best friend is coming from — giving yourself up to a guy, and then breaking up with him IS a soul-sucking occurrence. It’s extremely draining. On top of that, being celibate weeds out the guys who just want a quick f*** under the guise of a “relationship.” But on the other hand, I would lose my mind if I married a man who couldn’t satisfy sexually. I cannot tell you how much of a disaster that would be for me. Divorce would definitely be brought up.
So the question looms, “to be celibate or not to be celibate?” I’m not very religious so my final decision goes deeper than just “what does the Bible say,” it’s more about what works for me and what will get me the results I want.
What do you think?