Some people say, “Why bother? Just break up with the guy!”
“Yeah!” others would chime in. “Who cares how he takes it?”
However, being that I have a heart — and I usually still care very deeply about the man that I’ve been in a relationship with despite the fact my love has evaporated — I want to make sure that I don’t shatter his fragile ❤ into a million tiny little pieces.
I must, though, preface this by saying this is only for the man you truly still have respect for — if your man has been treating you like dogsh**, then I suggest you Google “How I Break Up With a Guy Painfully” instead.
Okay. So how do I do it? How do I break up with a guy painlessly? I use psychology. It’s all about instilling him with confidence that he can find a better woman than me — even before I officially break up with him. This should be an easy feat if you’re truly over him and ready to move on because you won’t feel the need to have your ex pine and grieve over you.
BEFORE YOU APPROACH HIM
1. Identify What He Prefers in His Dream Woman
Before I break up with a man, I identify what he looks for in his dream woman. I’ll tell you why in a second. The truth is that everyone envisions what their quintessential partner looks like, but we understand that perfection is non-existent so we settle for partners that intrigue us. For example, my dream guy would be a Tyson Beckford look-a-like, but possess the wit of Jesse Williams. He would be an adrenaline junkie and a city slicker, plus have wanderlust and prefer not to have kids.
But obviously finding a Beckford clone with all those qualities — and then actually developing a connection with him — is damn-near improbable. So I might settle with an average looking guy that gets my adrenaline juices flowing in different ways *wink*.
So that being said, I knew my ex dreamed of a woman that would be down for tandem skydiving, but still totally nerd out for Anime and video games. It’s not that he told me that was his dream woman, but I remember him asking me if I was into skydiving and anime, and I said no. I then spotted a tinge of disappointment — so it’s safe to say that these qualities are traits he would love to see in a woman.
2. Convince Him that His Dream Woman is Within Reach
After identifying what my man seeks in his ideal woman (e.g. loves skydiving, anime, video games, cosplay etc.), I say, non-chalantly, “Y’know — I see you with a woman that fits you like a puzzle piece. Like a glove. I see you with a beautiful woman that would love jumping out of a plane with you, stay up all night watching awesome Anime movies, kick your ass in SkyRim and dress up as Harley Quinn.”
At this point, you will see his eyes light up.
This might even work better if you text him this. It gives him the option of reading your text over and over again. This cushions the blow after you do decide to walk away from the relationship. Why? Because your statement, stored in his memory, will tell him”Hey, it’s okay — I can find someone else that’s a better fit for me: A skydiving, anime-lovin’, costume-dressin’, video game-playin’ hottie!”
1. Be Conscious About Where and When You’re Breaking the News
A lot of people are against break-ups that are not in person, but personally, I prefer to break up with my man over the phone first. And I make sure he’s at home. Why? Because, firstly, you want to give your man the luxury of expressing his emotions without being embarrassed. He may want to cry, scream, get upset, punch a pillow, or what have you. But if he’s out in public, or sitting in front of you, you may put him in a confining position where he’s holding back all his tears or anger. So that’s why you need to be very conscious of where he is.
And before we hang up, I tell him that I want to see him in person so that we can talk about it in depth. The duration between your phone call and when you meet him in person gives him time to gather his emotions and think of all the questions/concerns he has for you.
2. When You Meet Him in Person: Validate Him, Be Honest, And Tell Him How This Break-Up Benefits Him, Too
Please, for the love of all things holy, do not say “It’s not you, it’s me.” Bleugh!! The fact that you left him in the dust with a cliche means you didn’t even BOTHER to come up with a heartfelt goodbye.
Getting that out of the way, the words you choose are very crucial to making sure you man gets out unscathed from a break up. You need to make sure that a) validate his value in your life, b) be honest, and c) tell him how this break-up benefits him. For example, if he asks, “So why have you decided to walk away from the relationship?” I would say:
“Well first (a) I want to say that you’re an incredible man. You’ve been so supportive and so loving, but (b) I don’t feel fulfilled in this relationship intellectually, physically or spiritually. (c) And I realize that you, too, need someone who can stimulate your zest for danger.“
3. Set Clear Boundaries
From my experience, I would suggest that, at this point, you stop having any intimate relations with your ex. Why? Because you are giving him mixed signals — and you might even end up confusing yourself. You don’t want him to think, “Oh, she’s still allowing me to hit that so I guess she wants me back!” TRUST ME! Don’t do it! Don’t give him a sympathy fu**. There’s no such thing as having a “friends with benefits” relationship with an ex.
Set clear boundaries. You can say “I want to remain friends,” but the truth is, it’s possible that he might resent you for saying that. Hanging around your former lover as a “friend” isn’t fun. Your friendship, I guarantee it, will not be same as it was before you two got together. You’ll have very bitter friend, instead. If you’re willing to stomach that, great. But my suggestion is to say, “It’s best that we stop having sex, but I’m always there if you need me. You should know that :)”
4. After All the Rain, The Sun Will Shine Again
Perhaps “painlessly” isn’t the best word to use because — well — break-ups are always painful. But I’ve found this method to be foolproof in terms of being the least distressing for both parties. What will happen is that you and your ex will probably keep in contact for a while, just out of habit. And you may even be tempted to throw in a sympathy f*** or get his attention, but don’t do it!
Eventually, with your ex taking the time to digest everything you’ve hold him, while also recognizing that he, too, can move on to bigger and better things, the break-up won’t be as awful as it could have been. You solidified his worth, you were honest with him, and you made him see how he could benefit from this separation — and he will respect you for it.
Both of you will find happiness. Just not with each other.
Please check out my article, How to Get Over an Ex.