I am the girl that, when my exes think back to the past, they cringe and wish they could erase me from their memory.
No, I am not being self-deprecating. I am simply being honest. But the good thing is that I’ve learned from mistakes. Here are three things I’ve learned from being a bad girlfriend:
1. Men Do Not Like Dating a “Miss Independent” Because Of Their Ego and Sh**
Let me tell you something – my Miss Independent rampage was so bad, I was a step away from pushing my incompetent, butt-naked exes off the bed during sex and saying, “Nevermind. I’ll do it myself!”
But thankfully, it never got that far.
I carried all the groceries by myself. “Can I help you with that?” my exes would ask. “What- do you think I am too weak to hold a bag of bananas or somethin’?” I’d reply.
“Need me to drive you home, love?” my exes would ask. “I got two feet and a bus pass, but thanks for the offer,” I’d say.
And heck, if I had any personal issues, I had friends for that. I’d vent to them and they’d help me brainstorm ideas for solutions. Why bombard him with my problems?
There was even a time where I had to go for a serious surgery, but I didn’t feel the need to tell my boyfriend. Why worry him? Plus, I can handle the stress by myself.
I offered to go dutch more often than not. “You want to pay the whole bill? Nah, let’s just pay our half and let’s get out of here!” I’d say. But funnily enough, this is the one Miss Independent action no man ever seemed to protest.
Now while I thought being Miss Independent wasn’t an issue, one of my exes was man enough to confront me about it and say, “You know, I feel like you don’t need me sometimes – like I am disposable or somethin’.”
I thought about it and, truthfully, his assessment was accurate. The unconscious reason why I was so determined to be self-reliant is because I wanted to protect my heart – if the relationship doesn’t work out, it would be like he was never in my life to begin with because I’m not relying on a man to give me rides, pay for my dinner, carry my groceries, or solve my problems.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to fall into a routine of dependency – someone is there to “rely on.” So to circumvent that, I did everything on my own so that if the relationship goes sour, his absence doesn’t affect my life.
Does it work? Yes. But does it help to sustain a relationship? NOPE.
I’ve learned that I need to allow the man to be my “knight in shining armor.” Most men enjoy saving their little damsel in distress or else they end up feeling valueless. *Sigh* Hey, apparently carrying my own bananas stripped a man of his ego – who knew?
2. Apparently Not Being Jealous Enough Is a Bad Thing
Have you ever noticed that some of your significant others tell you things simply for the purpose of trying to get you all jealous and riled up?
I’m not an idiot, so when I detect this is happening, I can’t help but give them the opposite reaction that they are expecting.
“So this girl at the grocery store told me that I looked attractive today,” an ex told me with a flash of deviousness in his eyes. “Well yeah,” I’d said stoically. “You’re an attractive guy.”
Noticing that I was not shaken, he continued, “And she asked me for my number, too.” He stared at me, his eyes begging for an emotional response. “Oh good, we can all go for drinks then. I could use a new friend,” I said.
Finally, he cracked and said, “Y’know, sometimes I feel – well, sometimes I wish you showed some jealousy. It’d show me that you care and that you are possessive over me. My last girlfriend was a total jealous nut and I thought I hated it, but now I miss it. It’s kinda cute.”
I mean, I knew he felt that way I guess. Why else would he tell such a provoking story? But it’s like, “Why are you mad at me for actually trusting you around other women?!”
So for the duration of the relationship, I had to pretend that I gave a couple f***ks every time a crusty ol’ Becky had her beady little eyes on my man. Oh no. I feel so threatened. Help me, I am so jealous.*sarcasm.*
I know my man knows how to maintain strict boundaries with other women or I wouldn’t be dating him in the first place. And if he doesn’t, well he deserves ol’ crusty Becky don’t you agree?
So being too laid back in relationships is no bueno. Noted.
3. You Gotta Like Girly Sh** Or It Freaks Them Out
I like sports. And no, not watching ’em – playing them. I am athletic as all hell and I’ve been seen swerving around many a’ men in a game of soccer and spiking volleyballs over nets like nobody’s business.
I also don’t like to watch romance movies – Dear John, The Notebook, and The Fault in Our Stars gets no love from me, but I love me a good thriller and gangster movie. The Purge: Anarchy, Black Mass, and The Man on Fire are some of my favorite films.
And no, I don’t want to watch Four Weddings, Married at First Sight, and Say Yes to the Dress. Gag! But no disrespect to those who enjoy these shows or movies, just not in my taste.
But here’s what I found out. Sure men make fun of women for being all coquettish with their dog filters on Snapchat, putting a heap of makeup thanks to contouring, and being an “emotional mess” after watching tear-jerking movies, but deep down inside, deep down inside, they love it.
They love it as their girlfriends swoon after watching a wedding on TV and or coo-ing at someone else’s babies. Though they won’t admit it and, outwardly, they’ll just be like “Oh god, you have baby fever don’t you?”, the truth is, they bask in thought that their girlfriends are already thinking about naming their first son Spencer.
Men love watching their women wither into the fetal position after watching 50 First Dates – “Awww, look at that. She’s all sympathetic and she has a heart.” Now don’t get me wrong, The Notebook moved me, but geez do I have to bawl my eyes out to prove it?
Apparently yes. I’ve been accused of not liking enough girly stuff!
“How do you not like all that romantic stuff? You’re a woman!” Excuse me. I like romance. I just like to experience it. Not watching people smooch and be all mushy all over my gotdamn TV, it’s kinda boring.
I like sports and violence on TV. Sue me!
Anything you’ve learned from your past relationships? I’d love to hear ’em. 🙂