Welp, here we are.
I am trying out the Soul Swipe dating app – just one more time – and all I can think of is, “Do I want to put myself through this misery again?”
Well, the answer is yes. Yes, I do. For the sake of reviewing this app so that YOU guys don’t have to go through any pain and suffering if this app still sucks big hairy balls.
Last year, I had a lot to say about Soul Swipe (Click here to read my scathing review). To put it lightly, the app left a lot to be desired. And being that my review became so popular, here comes the Soul Swipe team sauntering in telling me that a new version is underway:
What? Y’all want me to give Soul Swipe another go?! Man, I would rather have Ray Charles drive me down the freeway than give Soul Swipe a second chance.
But then a month or so passed and things with a current love interest have soured. Time to find a new man! But, damnit, I don’t want to go back on OkCupid, I don’t want to pay for a subscription on Match.com, and Tinder just ain’t my thang. And then a little voice whispered into my ear…
So I downloaded it.
And Soul Swipe still swipes my soul into a hellish cesspit of frustration, annoyance, and impatience, but now add agony, torment, and distress! GIANNI FROM SOULSWIPE TEAM, WHERE THE F*** IS THIS NEW VERSION YOU SPEAK OF, SIR?
Why, oh why, did you convince me to get on Soul Swipe again?!
Anyway, let’s start with the good stuff. Because, y’know, I always try to see the good in everything.
The Pros of Soul Swipe
1. Pretty Good Lookin’ Interface Design
When I re-uploaded Soul Swipe, the first thing I saw was this screen – the background was in motion and you can see the couple chatting it up while the woman sips on some wine. Cute!
2. “Matching” is Tinder-esque
Once your potential match loads, the interface offers simple, interactive options: If you don’t like what you see, you can hit the X or swipe left. If you think the person is picture is FINE as WINE, hurry up and hit that heart button or swipe right.
3. Nice Selection of Black Men – And Even Non-Black Men
No one has made me want to claw out my eyeballs yet, so that’s a good sign. And though Soul Swipe touts itself as a black dating app, there are white and Asian men who still shamelessly join the app because they are interested in making a little cafe au lait, if you know what I mean. Heh, heh, heh.
Unfortunately, these are the ONLY upsides of the app.
Cons of Soul Swipe:
- Can Someone Please Tell Me Why The Interface Doesn’t Allow Landscape Screen-Switching?
I have big a** fingers so how in the hell does Soul Swipe expect me to woo my matches with my poetic writing IF IT’S ALL LACED WITH A SH*TLOAD OF TYPOS BECAUSE SOUL SWIPE DOESN’T ALLOW THE KEYBOARD TO SWITCH TO LANDSCAPE.
2. I Really, Really Don’t Want to Sign-In with Facebook
Dating apps are treated like the online porn industry. It’s widely used, but NO ONE WANTS THEIR FB FRIENDS TO KNOW THAT THEY’RE ON IT. Soul Swipe forces you to sign in with Facebook, there is no other option. Yes, it’s true that Soul Swipe won’t post on your FB timeline, but it STILL freaks me out! By the way, Soul Swipe will use your FB profile photo as your Soul Swipe avatar, but you can still change it later on by going to Profile > Edit.
3. Still Takes Time to Load After a While, Though Not as Bad as My First Time Using Soul Swipe
I will say that the load time has definitely decreased from last year, BUT after some time swiping left and right – maybe after about 5 minutes or so – the interface starts to get “tired” and slows down a bit.
4. You Lose Your “SPOT” If Your Screen Times Out
There are sometimes when you will stare at a match and wonder, “Hmm, this person might not be my type, but maybe I should give him a chance?” So while you sit there, wondering if you should be a superficial twat or not, your phone – depending on your settings – may”time out” and go on screensaver mode or lock itself up. No biggie, I unlock it again. And instead of Soul Swipe taking me back to the guy I was mulling over, it takes me back to the screen shown above and takes me to a whole ‘nother potential match.
WHY YOU DO DAT?
5. Sometimes, the Interface is “Confused” Over Whether You’re Swiping Through a Potential Match’s Photos or Swiping to the “Matches” Screen
You have the option of swiping through more photos of a potential match just by swiping from right to left, but this same function also takes you to your “Matches” list. So what happens is, all I wanna do is look at more photos, and I am swiped over to my “Matches” list instead.
6. AND THE MOST ANNOYING OF ALL: There is NO PROPER NOTIFICATION SYSTEM to differentiate between “Matches” and “Men Who Sent You Messages”
This was my biggest problem with Soul Swipe and is the main reason why I left in the first f***ing place. When you get matched with someone – meaning you liked them and they liked you – they all get thrown in a list called “Matches” along with those green dots next to them.
But here’s the kicker – green dots are also a symbol for when someone messages you. So ANY of those green dots could mean, “Hey, Soul Swipe’s letting you know that this guy is a match” or “Hey, this man just sent you a message.” UM, Soul Swipe did you not think this through? Could you perhaps make BLUE dots for someone who sends a message? And green dots for matches? I mean……….
For now, I’m still on the “prowl” for a decent guy on Soul Swipe, but I thought it’d be hilarious to share the funniest profile I’ve stumbled upon thus far:
Apparently, this guy thinks that nothing is more enticing to women than a bank receipt showing off how “coined up” he is?