When it comes to my sex life, having keloids has been a blessing and a curse.
I’ll explain what I mean in a bit.
I’ve been battling keloids since I was 15 years old, spending thousands on every “treatment” out there on the market.
I foolishly fell for the latest anti-keloid “innovations” when I knew, deep down inside, these “keloid specialists” were just feeding me false hope, but sucking my bank account bone dry.
I’ve done it all: laser treatments, surgery, injections, cryoshape … everything!
Now that I’m 25, I’ve come to grips with the fact that I have to learn to live with these things. As for now, there is no cure, especially when my keloids have grown this large and this bulbous.
Now I bet you’re wondering why I say my keloids are a blessing because, surely, they’re a curse, right?
Well, when I sit down and reflect on the men that have sauntered in and out of my life, I can’t help but wonder …. If I had keloids, I would have given myself up – the cookie jar and all – to men that wouldn’t be worth it.
I would have succumbed to desire very quickly with these not-so-great men, only to be left with life-long scars that would have been much more painful than my keloids.
Having keloids forces me to be extremely judicious and selective with my partners. If I didn’t have keloids, I would have allowed my horniness to do all the thinking. Not the best judge of character if you ask me!
As much as I hate being so restricted by my keloids, I realize all the heartache it’s saved me by waiting and vetting potential partners, and then thanking the heavens that I didn’t sleep with them when these men show me their true colors.
When it comes to sex partners, due to my keloids, I am forced to seek men that have these three qualities:
- A man who seeks commitment and monogamy
- A man who is not superficial
- A man who knows how to handle a woman with a delicate self-esteem
If I didn’t have keloids, I don’t think these qualities would be a priority for me. In my heart, I want to be free and do whomever I want, when I want. But my mind is saying, “Hell no!” The truth is, even though that uncommitted guy may leave me in the dust simply because he wants to remain unattached, my mind will say, “He didn’t want to stay with you because you’re an ugly b***h with keloids.”
That’s why footloose guys must be weeded out of my sex life.
Superficial men are an absolute no-no. These are the type of men that will threaten to leave their wives for gaining too much weight after pregnancy. They are the type of men who will control a woman’s appearance, even down to her hairstyle, because they believe that her image is a reflection of their social status. I’ve unfortunately encountered so many men like this.
They falsely assume that I fit their “fantasy” of how a woman should look, but oh ho ho, they have no idea what horrors lie underneath my clothes.
These are the type of men that will scrunch up their faces and say, “Ew” when you show you’re your most flawed part of you, leaving you feeling undesirable and unwanted. They don’t care that you’re a funny girl who can make them laugh their asses off, or that you can cook a mean baked ziti, or that you are sweet person with a heart of gold.
Superficial men don’t give a sh** about that.
In knowing that they expect a certain “standard” to their woman’s appearance, could you imagine how they’d react to my keloids?! So yeah, superficial men – out of the question.
And finally, I’d need to find a sex partner who has enough emotional intelligence to understand that a girl like me – riddled with flaws – has a delicate self-esteem. Forgive me – sometimes I come down with the blues because I have a skin condition that refuses to go away.
Having someone who is supportive is essential, I guess.
I was lucky enough to find a man that had all three of these qualities. That’s where the “blessing” stops.
The ultimate curse of having keloids is the psychological toll it takes on me. I just couldn’t fathom the thought of someone so amazing being stuck with a woman like me. The keloid sufferer’s mind just can’t wrap their head around the fact that someone could possibly want them, flaws and all.
And so, I had to let him go.
“Go find someone with perfect skin. You don’t deserve me.”
I pushed him away, and he persisted. He wanted to stay.
“No, you’re delusional. How could you possibly want someone like myself?”
But he did. He actually did, but my mind was – and still is – so warped and twisted with a monstrous, grotesque image of myself. I was losing my mental sanity, and it was in my best interest to walk away.
You see, when a man chooses to engage with a keloid sufferer like myself, he’s not only dealing with a woman who has keloids, but he also has to endure being with a woman who has a f***ed up, negative thought pattern and sh** poor self-esteem, too.
How could I put someone so amazing through that?
Since then, I shudder at the thought of becoming intimate with someone again. I know how to “vet” and “analyze” a man to know whether he’ll be understanding of my keloids or not, but now there’s a new problem.
Even if I do find that special someone again – someone I can feel comfortable having sex with – I don’t think I can ever convince myself that I deserve someone so wonderful.
They deserve better. 😦